Unconditional Love

            My mother can be as soft as melted butter or she as hard as a rock. There is two ways I mean this. The softness comes from her mothering side. Being there for her kids whenever one of them needs her, or if they have a problem they can talk to her about anything. She can be as hard as a rock, if it doesn’t go her way it doesn’t go at all. Ask my brothers. Growing up we looked at her as evil, and none of us thought it was for a purpose.

            Love is one of the words that I didn’t feel when I was growing up,         it was showed in other ways then gifts and hugs. We got punishments and chores. I am glad that we weren’t showered in praise. Growing up might have been tough but I think I am going to be okay in the real world. I have a lot of things that have prepared me for it. Such as doing my own laundry. I have had to do my own laundry since I was 8. I have had a job since I was 15, to buy my own school clothes. Just a few examples of what I was brought up with.

            She never really payed attention much when she was younger, when we were younger. She always wanted to go out to her friends, or leave us with a sitter while she went to work. During this time, I met C Fish. She knows a lot of the shit we have been through, and what had to go through. My mother, and her father were best friends.

            My mother was working a lot as soon as me and my big brother started school, and we didn’t see much of my mom. She would always stop by and see us but there was always another person at the house, like a boyfriend or even a sitter. (We never went without a sitter… Until I turned 15…) Bing a little kid, your supposed to have adult supervision but, we like to switch things up a bit. The sitter would fall asleep, and my mom would show up drunk. The sitter would be passed out and my mom would pound on the door until 4 year old Ashley came running to the door hoping to spend a few moments with momma.

            My mother was almost always there for us and she wouldn’t change having kids at such a young age, she would probably have slapped our asses a little more. We were awful kids because of my moms boyfriends. None of them could compare to our real dads so we tried to kill them, make them scared for their lives. Most of them worked except for Steve. He has been in my moms life since she was young, turns out they were meant to be.

            Our moms love was unconditional, but she still was there. She may have been inconsiderate, but she still cared. She may have chosen her boyfriend over her child, but she would still talk about anything. She may have kicked me out, but I still love her. 

Interview q&a

Interviewing my mother

1.)    Do you regret having kids as young as you did?

a.       No, I don’t regret it one bit. Being young with children is one thing that I do not regret, and wouldn’t like to change it. I have three wonderful kids that I wouldn’t trade for the world. We pretty much learned as we went along.

2.)    Is there any moment of your past you would change about raising us?

a.       Yes, I would have slapped your ass more times. There is no need of making French toast in the back of your brothers “Big Jake” (Ironically my big brothers name is Jake… Anywho…) I wanted to body slam you a few times.

3.)    If there is one thing you could change now, what would it be?

a.       To have my kids all graduate with high honors. I know that wont happen but it would be something I would like to change. If not, to even graduate and to not live in a trailer in Brooksville like my daughter *ahem* Ashley

4.)    Why is it such a problem that your kids goals are living in a trailer in Brooksville?

a.       Ashley, there isn’t any f*cking need of you to live in a goddamn trailer. I have higher hopes for my kids, they shouldn’t have goals for living in a dinky little trailer and live on the same road as half of their families. Nonsence.

5.)    Do you love your kids?

a.       Duh.

6.)    Do you like all these questions?

a.       Not a whole lot. 

first assignment for SWAG RAG (Article about bhs)

Cliques

            You walk by the group of preppy, straight A’s, they all give you a dirty look. Most just skim by and fake smile, others like me: give them a dirty look. They never look more disgusted in their lives. Oh well, not my problem. You keep walking and keep your head held up high, and your feet just a pounding onto the cement flooring. You make it down to the stairs by the woodshop room, heading into the science wing.

            Peering under the stair case you see like four people making out and they think that it is attractive. (Trust me, it isn’t pretty) There are the people who play on their phones because they have nobody to make out with. You hear “yep” every now and then but other wise, silence. There is one kid who sits in the door way by the stairs and he is always playing on his computer, maybe it isn’t games maybe it is research, who knows? (I don’t wanna!)

            Walking through the front door I see all of the people who smoke, and smoke the old Mary Jane. They all look burnt out but I am sure those are the ones who have he second highest grades in the high school. They get along with anybody, and they sometimes play sports. You would be shocked at some of their talent.

            Then there are people like me. Invisible. People don’t see people like me going far in life, I will prove them wrong. I may not show up to school on time, but I still make up my work and try for good grades. Invisibility is a good thing, and it is a bad thing. The good part does not have to deal with all of the drama. The bad thing, you get labeled. Not in a good way either.

            There is a good thing at Bucksport High, all of the different people you meet. Not all of them amount to much like me. But, we still manage to make it by. Bucksport High school will be one of the memories that I don’t want to remember but there will always be a small piece of it stuck in the old brain case. 

STUDY HALL

As I am sitting on this couch, I have thought running through my mind. They aren’t happy, they aren’t negative. Well, sorta. Being depressed about my Grandmother, my aunt, and my great aunt all passing in a matter of three weeks and two days. So, cheers gram. I will always miss and love you. After work tonight, I was in a drinking mood. So, yes.. there is cocktail in my writing. My boyfriend is sitting on the couch telling me that I shouldn’t write about my alcohol consumption, but he can kiss my ass.

            Anyways, back to my grandmother. She died March 2^nd. On her daughters birthday. My mother’s birthday. I only shed two tears in the last month for all their deaths, well. Here comes my mental break down. I am tired of people shitting the bed. This is bull. After all the shit they have been through, I am glad that they are no longer in pain. My aunt, I am thinking that she died of an overdose. Which I am shocked that it took 6 rehab trips later for her to straighten up for 3 weeks.

            My mother went down to Florida when she found out my aunt (her sister) had passed away. She was down there for three days. She was on her way back to Maine, so was my grandmother. She was riding with her ex husband (My grandfather [my aunts dad]) when she said she wasn’t feeling well and that they should take a trip to the hospital. When they got there they took scans and stuff. Turns out she had lung cancer that had spread to her brain. She passed away after her heart attack. 

*PASSED OUT AT THIS POINT*
Next day at school- Didnt sleep as much as i wanted to, and I hate obnoxious people.
STUDY HALL

            In my study hall, I don’t like any of the people in here. They are all dinks in their own ways. The one in the front row, always flirting with others in the study hall. She should just give up. She looks like she should be standing on a street corner. The one to the right of her, the only guy that flirts with her. He has funny looking teeth. And has dick sucking lips. (BIG ASS LIPS). The one on the right of him, always talking about how good he is at football and that he is better then everyone else. I think the only reason that he plays football is to see himself in spandex. The one behind him, the same. They like to see eachother in spandex. The one behind him, has been called a tool, I don’t see it though. He is quiet. The one behind him, is a curly haired, red-headed, smelly guy who has teeth like a beaver, he thinks he is cool but nobody else does.

            The next row at the top is the black kid, he thinks he can do what ever he wants and he thinks he is top dog. No, really he isn’t. He is using a pick in his hair right now, that is gross. His curly black hairs are flying everywhere. What if someone breathes that shit in? EW. The next kid in that row, always quiet and working on school work. The kid behind him, not so much. He looks like a mouse with glasses, and he is always talking about weird stuff. I think he is pretending to be tripping, but he might just be slightly retarded. There is a kid to the right of him, he looks like a punk but I think he could probably make a good teddy bear for someone. 

10.) Refried Beans- They look like my cats puke, smells like my grandmothers sweaty feet, and jiggles like a hippos ass. Gross. Cant even look past the gag reflex to eat it.
9.) Barbecue Potato Chips- They taste like burnt tin foil. That is not something i would like to be munching on during a boring Sunday noon time.
8.) Pinapple- I dont care if other people eat it, I just dont like the texture. not to mention the taste is tart and bitter.
7.) Lima Beans- They are hard when you eat them, but then they get a wierd feeling in your mouth. like it is covered in paste.
6.) Baked Turkey- ew, no matter how dry, or moist; salty or sweet; gross. i hate that nasty substance that comes from a ugly bird.
5.) Corn Dogs- GROSS! They fall apart and the gross hot dogs inside look like burnt ding dongs. They smell like an attic and look like a fat mans dream.
4.) Yeast Rolls- I only tolerate them with gravy or something to help it slide down so that i cannot taste it.
3.) Skittles- any of them except the green ones.  I love the green skittles. I hate all the other ones.
2.) Tomatoes- The seeds make me gag.
1.) Scrambled eggs- That is absolutely disgusting.

First house Memory

My First house memory

My very first house memory is at my grandfather Bing’s house. I have not been there in seven years, so it may have changed a little bit.

            You’re standing in the enclosed porch looking through the front door. There are always birds eating the worms from underneath the clothes line. You go to open the door to walk down the short ramp to go outside, and the door creaks slightly. The bird flies off into the closest trees. You turn right when you come out of the porch. You look to the left, and you see the garage. You look to the right you see down the hill that I learned to ride a bike on. If you look straight, you can see the small four-wheeler path that goes up to the blueberry field. The blueberry field is where I shot my first deer.

            You start to walk down the biking hill, and you look to the left you see stalks of bamboo. You look towards the right and you see old lobster traps made of wood. You can see the old pig pens. They used to raise they’re own bacon. You look through the woods and you see a small stream. There are deer up in the woods; you can find they’re hoof prints in the long dirt road we walk along.

             After a few minutes of the sound of mooshing footsteps below, you can hear many different birds chirping. One sounds just like a whistling. You look to your left and you see an upside down dingy, on top of three pieces of plywood. This little building is known as the club house. The neighbor, about a quarter of a mile down the driveways name is Sven. He is two years younger then I, but is way more creative. This is how the “Club house” was made.

            You walk a little bit further, and you see Sven’s house. It is a three bedroom trailer that dwells four people. Gretta, Hooper, Sven, and the baby live in this house. Gretta worked at the hospital, Hooper worked in his little shop outside his house. This is commonly where he would spend his time making knifes. Sven would only be able to see me when I was there on the weekends.

            You look straight ahead and you see the community building through the trees. There is always a bunch of cars parked in the parking lot. There used to be a craft fair every month, baby showers, and lots of other gatherings from all of Brooksville. Right before you get to the community center there is a house that is decades old, the shingles are old and tarnished, the shed is merely falling down. This is known as “The crazy cat lady’s house” I think I am aloud to call her that, she is my aunt by marriage.

            You’re standing next to the community center, and you see kids running around the parking lot. They are playing in a general little area because they know if they go out of sight, they would get hollered at by their parents. I played in that group for a while. Then I realized I hate people.

            You continue down the road, and you come down to the store I almost died at. This store is right by the road, and it has the best contents inside. They might be expensive but that is how a little town like mine makes money. They have always made the best “ Cinnamon Buns”. I was never aloud to eat them, but they smelled good.

            You continue down the road and you look out into the deep blue. Nothing but ocean for miles and miles. You can get lost in the amazing sight. I have a picture of it on my laptop. All you see is lobster buoys, and seals poking their noggins out of the water to see the out side world. This is one place I would have never left behind. Unfortunately, too many memories had to be left behind. 

Favorite Movies :)

Top Ten Favorite Movie's :)

10.) Schindler's List- I love history and it is a sad movie so it brings out the water works for me.
9.) Indian in the Cupboard- It is just one of those movies that I can always sit down and enjoy that as a movie, still even as an adult.
8.) An American Tale- That movie makes me smile every time. I used to watch it with my grandfather Bing before he died when I was 7.
7.) Grease- I just like how the good girl goes bad.
6.) Footloose- LOVE KEVIN BACON
5.) Big Daddy- My dad reminds me so much of the father figure in that movie.
4.) The little Rascles- Always has been one of those movies that I can never get sick of it. That and Bug Hall is such a little cutie, who couldnt love that?
3.) Freddy got fingered- It is a wierd but amazing movie that can always stump the shit out of people when they watch it. Like my favorite part, is when the parents come home and the kid is sitting in the living room playing the piano but there are sausages connected to the strings. "DADDY WOULD YOU LIKE SOME SAUSAGE?!?"
2.) Magic Mike- ;)  <<< All I gotta say  ;) >>>>>>>>>>>CHANNING TATUM
1.) Forrest Gump- <3 I love this movie. It is my number one favorite movie and has been since the first time i watched it. There is so much to learn when you watch it. Like when Jenny dies. She has a desease and they can not figure out what the disease is. I have always thought that it was HIV.


OH, and I was supposed to tell everybody that David is my favorite :)

Vacation.

Vacation------

            I was feeling really sick at work on Friday night, so I decided to go to the emergency room to find out what was happening. I had Michael pick me up at work and take me right over. Turns out, he brought his girlfriends car. A Japanese prius. The gayest little car that one man could ever drive, the exhaust on it sounded like: “Immmmmm gaaaaaaaaay”.

Eventful is not the word I am looking for.. Maybe it is.. My vacation did not go as planned. I went to the emergency room to find out what was wrong with me. While I was in there, I got a phone call from one person I have been forbidden to talk to. So I hit the FUCK you button. I texted this number and told them I was in the hospital, and that I was not aloud to talk to them at all. This person texted me back and told me that he was going to find out where I was, who I was with, and he was going to shoot me. I told my cousin what was going on. She wouldn’t allow me out of the hospital room until my ride was at the front door, and I had a sweatshirt, and sunglasses on.

I arrived at my destination after the hospital, and that is when I got a phone call from “a police officer”. I knew that it wasn’t a police officer, the voice was way too familiar. I knew that it was the guy who had been stalking, and threatening me. So I started being a smart ass. All the fun questions, How fast do you go through a school zone? And a few more as well. He answered them all correctly, which I was shocked at. Then finally I asked: “How many years do you get for impersonating an officer?” *click* He hung up. I started laughing and called Hancock County.

I was at my friends house trying to help working on my boyfriends brothers truck we had been there for over 4 hours when the cops finally showed up. They talked a bunch of crap about him and all this other stuff. What it sounded like to me: “I’m a pig, I eat donuts”.

The cop left and I sat in the garage waiting for the truck to be done. 9:30 AM rolls around, and finally all of the tires are back on the beast and it is time to go back to Raine’s house. I got there, and went to my room. I  didn’t come too until my mother called me at 4 pm. She stated that the cops had called her, and that I had a doctors appointment. I cancelled the appointment and went back to bed.

The next day my mom called me to ask if I wanted to go to ellsworth for a restraining order. I went with her and didn’t expect her to help me out in any way. She brought me out to breakfast, and she brought me to get the paperwork. I decided that I was going to get a harassment order instead of a restraining order. We got back to Orland and she dropped me back off at the house. I went to sleep again. I got a phone call the next morning.

My aunt had gone down to Florida to visit my grandmother. She had been down there for about two weeks. A few days before she was getting ready to come back up to Maine, she died. I asked how she died, got no response. I am assuming that she overdosed again, but maybe there was a reason behind her death. I assumed that because she had been to rehab more then four times. 

That is my events of this Vacation. 

Numbahs Deah

The number of school days I’ve skipped; 125. Number of cell phones I have had; 3. The number of boyfriends I have had; 4. The number of friends I have lost; 7. The number of days I have done absolutely nothing; 2. The number of times I want to slap my doctor; 136,000. The number of cigarettes I have smoked; countless. The number of classes I have enjoyed; 2. Number of favorite songs; 122. The amount of teachers that have died since I have had them; 1. The number of family that have turned on me; 13. The number of people I have made fun of; 230,000. The amount of people who are afraid of me; n/a. The number of times I have had a concussion; 3. The number of broken bones I have received; 4. The number of times I was kicked out of my parents house; 3. The number of sweatshirts I have lost; 26. The number of times I kicked the shit out of my brothers; 2. The number of times I have been offended because of my eczema; 7. The number of times I’ve been bitch slapped; 6. The number of times I hit someone with a baseball bat; 2. The number of vehicles I have owned; 0. The number of love letters I have received; 16. Number sent; 4. The number of football games I have attended; 4. The number of full bags of Doritos I have eaten (in one sitting); 2. The number of people I have wondered if they were slightly retarded; 4. The number of people who I think are friggin ugly, but other people think he is drop dead gorgeous; 178. Number of hang nails that have turned into an infected finger; 13. The amount of times that I have had chicken pox; 0. The number of times that I have been to a mud run; 1. The amount of times I have died my hair; red 0, black 2, pink 1, purple 1, blonde 2, brown 5. The number of times that I have taken my big brothers advice; 2.

2

The number of times Ive accidently thrown my cat out of my bedroom; 22. The number of times my cat gets stuck in reverse because there is a sock on its head; 3. The number of times I have received f*cked up texts; 23. The number of times I have frozen to death; 0.. Duh.. The number of times I have vandalized a building; 3. The number of times I have been caught; 0. The number of times I have tripped on nothing; 1,298. The amount of times my brothers have stuck up for me; 3. The number of boyfriends my parents have met; 2. The number they liked; 1. The number of times I have been told I am beautiful; 19. The number of times I have babysat for free; countless. The numbers of rumors that go around about me; countless. The number of shoes I own; 16. The number I wear; 3. The amount of times I have tried to kill someone; 13. The number of times I bought stuff I don’t need; Countless. The number of times I have been rude to stranges/people I don’t like; 12,658. The amount of tv I have watched in the last 24 hours; 30 minutes. The number of times I get annoyed a day; more then too many. The number of times I have fallen off a dock; 4. The number of times I was pushed; 3. The number of times I wanted to slap a stranger; 30,009. 

                                               Snowed In


This weekend, I spent all day sitting on the couch with my new boyfriend. We sat there and talked about everything and anything, while there were four drunk people crashing around the living room talking about going outside to shovel the snow that was falling. They finally packed up their gear and headed for the snowy abyss we call "The Driveway". They came inside multiple times for some hot coffee, and some captain crunch. While sitting on the couch you see what happens to people as you are a drunken idiot. Such as falling off the porch saying: "I CAN FLY!!!!" *crash* "Damnit, I hit the huge stump again"      
               When sitting on the couch you look around and notice things. The first things I noticed were a pair of little kids undies. They were sitting on a little kitchenette set. The second thing I noticed was the lip hair on my cousin Lorraine. She would be talking to me, and it would flow with the wind. We were talking about going to the store to get something to munch on and watch the snowflakes float into the world as if they had a purpose. I went to get the 'ol gear on to go tromping through the big ass pool of whiteness.
              I get off the porch half way, and she's slick, I fell off the porch, into the snow bank. You know, some people might get extremely pissed. I was just stuck. I didn't care, I was slightly irritated when nobody would help me up, rather then sit there and laugh at me. Then Jeff came over and assisted me up. With a tiny jacket on, I can 'magine I looked like a turtle on its back. I ran inside, took my shoes off and ran through the house cause my ass was just about froze.
               

She always said:

You’re not good at anything!

Why didn’t you wipe the stove?

The counter is not cleaned

Why is there no dish soap?

Why are you sick?

Why aren’t you in school?

The dishes need to be done

Get a life.

Go outside or I’ll lock you out again.

Get out of my face or I’ll smack it.

How do you like that dish soap?

You won’t ever have friend’s fat ass.

Go play in the road.

Go find a strange animal in the woods.

Remember your gold fish? He didn’t drown

Your grandfather was nothing to you.

Your not aloud to talk to your father.

Don’t listen to the damn radio.

Don’t you spit up those jalapeños.

I’ll smack that face to give you something to cry about.

 Your punishment isn’t bad enough.

Why is the bathroom not cleaned?

Your chores haven’t been done correctly.

No supper for you I guess.

Why isn’t dinner all made when I get home from work?

Just remember we will be there for you forever. We love you.